Jokes
Question? SO Michigan fans -- How many batteries does it take to kill a wolverine?
Just 1AA. . .
How you you make University of Michigan cookies?
Put them in a big bowl and Beat them for three hours.
What does the University of Michigan and marijuana have in common?
They both get smoked in bowls.
How do you keep a Michigan Wolverine out of your yard?
Put up a goal post and paint Roses on the grass beneath it.
Why did Michigan change their field from grass to artificial turf?
To keep the Michigan cheerleaders from grazing at half time.
What's the difference between the Big House and a cactus?
The cactus has its pricks on the outside!
Columbus, OH (AP) - A seven year old boy was at the center of a Franklin County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. They boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and stated that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the University of Michigan Wolverines, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
***************************************************************Q: What's the difference between a University of Michigan fan and a carp?
A: One is a bottom-feeding, scum sucker, and the other is a fish.
Q: Why do they throw out a sack of manure at University of Michigan weddings?
A: To keep the flies off the bride.
Q: Why don't University of Michigan fans let their kids play in sand boxes?
A: Because cats keep covering them up.
A University of Michigan fan walks into a doctor's office and removes his hat to reveal a frog sitting on his head. The doctor asks, "How can I help you?" The frog replies, "I was wondering if you could help me get this wart off my butt."
Q: Did you hear about the University of Michigan fan who locked his keys in his car?
A: He couldn't get his family out.
Two University of Michigan fans were walking down the street when they came upon a dog lying on the sidewalk licking and cleaning his groin like dogs do. The first University of Michigan fan says to the second, "Boy, I wish I could do that." The second University of Michigan fan replies, "Yeah, me too. But I wouldn't try it." The first University of Michigan fan asks, "Why not?" The second University of Michigan fan replies, "Because I'm afraid the dog might bite me."
Q: What do you call a good looking girl on the University of Michigan campus?
A: A visitor.
Q: Did you hear about the power outage at the University of Michigan library?
A: Forty students were stuck on the escalator for three hours.
Q: Did you hear the story about the semi-truck carrying pigs that flipped over on the University of Michigan campus?
A: The officials had to check ID's before letting anyone back on board.
Q: What should you do if you find three University of Michigan fans buried up to their neck in cement?
A: Get more cement.
Q: What do you get when you cross a University of Michigan fan and a pig?
A: Nothing. There's some things that a pig will not do.
Q: How many University of Michigan freshman does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, it's a sophomore course.
Q: What’s the difference between a Michigan cheerleader and an elephant?
A: About 50 pounds.
Q:An OSU fan and a Michigan fan are in the third grade. Who’s bigger?
A:The Michigan fan... he’s 18 years old.
Q: What is the only sign of intelligent life in Michigan?
A: The freeway sign that says "Columbus, 192 miles".
Q: What's the difference between UM and a bag of manure?
A: The bag!
Q: What does a seven course meal in Ann Arbor consist of?
A: A six pack and a possum!
A Michigan family of football supporters head out one Saturday to do
their Christmas shopping. While in the sports shop the son picks up an
Ohio State jersey and says to his older sister, "I've decided to become
a Buckeye fan and I would like this for Christmas".
His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him round the
head and says, "Go talk to mother".
Off goes the little lad with the Ohio State jersey in hand and finds his
mother. "Mom?"
"Yes son?"
"I've decided I'm going to be a Buckeye fan and I would like this jersey
for Christmas".
The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head and
says, "Go talk to your father!"
Off he goes with the Ohio State Jersey in hand and finds his father.
"Dad?"
"Yes son?"
"I've decided I'm going to be an Ohio State fan and! I would like this
jersey for Christmas".
The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head and
says, "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!"
About half an hour later they're all back in the car and heading towards
home. The father turns to his son and says "Son, I hope you've learned
something today?"
The son says, "Yes, Dad, I have."
"Good son, what is it?"
The son replies, "I've only been a Buckeye fan for an hour and I
already hate you Michigan bastards."
***************************************************************
is late in the OSU-Michigan game on an overcast
day. Michigan has the
ball on the OSU 3, with 2 seconds left, and down
14-10. There is time for
one more play.
Lloyd Carr calls timeout. As the team is coming to
the sideline, Lloyd looks to the heavens and says, "God - I've been a good
man. A churchgoing man. I've tried to do what's right and I've never asked
you for anything. But, this is a big game and if I could get a little
guidance, I would be forever grateful".
The clouds part, sun shines on Lloyd and he hears a
voice bellow "I Right 39 Pitch Trap".
Floyd can't believe it! God himself gave him the
play! It'll work for sure.
The team comes to the sideline and Lloyd excitedly
gives them the play. The timeout ends and the teams come back on the field.
Lloyd can barely contain his excitement - he's going to win.
Play resumes and the ball is snapped. The Michigan
QB pitches to the back. For a split second, there's a hole - which is
quickly filled by AJ Hawk, who tackles the Michigan back short of the goal line!
Time expires and Ohio State players storm the field
to celebrate. Lloyd is in shock - he can't believe the play didn't work.
Floyd looks to the heavens and cries, "God - why did
you call THAT play?"
God looks down, shrugs, turns to his right and says,
"Woody - why did we
call that play?"
***************************************************************
Q: What do you call a Michigan cheerleader with two brain cells?
A: Pregnant.
Q: Why don't Michigan fans let their kids play in the sand box?
A: Because the cats keep covering them up.
Q: What do you get when you have a basement full of Michigan fans?
A: A Whine Cellar
Q: An OSU fan and a Michigan fan are in the third grade. Who's bigger?
A: The Michigan fan... he's 18 years old.
Q: How do you get all of the Michigan grads out of your neighborhood?
A: Hide all of the cardboard boxes.
Q: What do you say to a Michigan player in a 3 piece suit?
A: Will the defendant please rise?
Q: How do you keep a Michigan player out of the endzone?
A: Put a classroom there.
Q: What do you call a good looking girl on the University of Michigan
campus?
A: A visitor
Q: Why doesn't Michigan have ice on their sidelines during games?
A: The guy with the recipe graduated.
Q: How do you get a Michigan girl into an elevator?
A: Grease her hips, and throw in a Twinkie.
Q: Why do women in Michigan wear high heels?
A: To keep their knuckles from dragging on the ground.
Q: What does a tornado and a Michigan Grad have in common?
A: They both end up in trailer parks.
Q: What words do you most often hear from a career minded U of M graduate?
A: Would you like fries with that?"
Q: Why are there 2 teams from Michigan in the Big ten?
A: There was so much crap in Ann Arbor they had to start another pile.
Q: What are the three hardest years in the life of a Michigan Wolverine
fan?
A: Second Grade.
Q: What do you get when you breed a pig with a Michigan fan?
A: There are some things even pigs won't do.
Q: Why do the University of Michigan grads hang their diplomas from the
rearview mirror?
A: So they can park in the handicapped spaces.
Q: Why don't they teach drivers ed and sex ed on the same day in Michigan?
A: It's too hard on the mule.
Q: Where was O.J. headed in the white Bronco?
A: Bloomington, IN ......He knew that the police would never look there for
a Heisman Trophy winner.
Q: Why did Tennessee choose orange as their team color?
A: You can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday, and picking
up trash the rest of the week.
Q: What do you call a 200 lb. Michigan cheerleader?
A: Anorexic
Q: How many Michigan freshman does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, it's a sophomore course
Q: How many pallbearers would be needed for a Wolverines funeral?
A: Two. A garbage can only has two handles.
Q: Why hasn't Ohio fallen into Kentucky?
A: Because Michigan SUCKS.
Q: What is blue and yellow and has two teeth?
A: The front row at Michigan stadium.
Q: What do you call a football player in Michigan who has talent?
A: A product of Ohio.
Q: What's the difference between a Michigan cheerleader and an elephant?
A: About 50 pounds.
Q: How do you make up the difference?
A: Force feed the elephant.
Q: What is the difference between a dead dog on the freeway and a dead
Michigan fan on the freeway?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Q: What is the difference between Michigan and Frosted Flakes?
A: Frosted Flakes know what to do in a Bowl.
Q: What is a Michigan football player's favorite pick-up line?
A: Didn't we almost flunk out together?
Q: What is every Michigan football player assigned upon arriving at Ann
Arbor?
A: A personal bail bondsman?
Q: How many Michigan players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One, but he gets three credits for it.
Q: What is the definition of a wolverine?
A: A rat with VD.
Q: What is the difference between a Michigan fan and a bucket of s#!%?
A: The bucket.
Q: What is long and hard on a Michigan fan?
A: First Grade.
Q: What's the difference between Michigan stadium and a porcupine?
A: Michigan stadium has 100,000 pricks on the inside.
Q: Why did the Michigan Wolverine stop having phone sex?
A: Because the little holes hurt too much.
Q: How do you get to Ann Arbor from Columbus?
A: Go north until you smell shit, then west until you step in it.
Q: If 3 Michigan players are in a car, then who is driving?
A: A police officer.
Q: How do you keep a Michigan player from drowning??
A: Take your foot of of their head.
Q: How do you get a Michigan grad off of your front porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza.
Q: What is the only sign of intelligent life in Michigan?
A: The freeway sign that says "Columbus, 192 miles".
Q: What does the average UM student get on his SAT?
A: Drool
***************************************************************
Q. What did the Michigan graduate say to the Ohio State graduate?
A. "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order, please?"
It was reported that Michigan head football coach Lloyd Carr will only be dressing twenty players for the Ohio State game. The rest of the players will have to get dressed by themselves.
Did you hear that the University of Michigan library burned to the
ground? All five books in the library were destroyed. The football
team was very upset because they hadn't colored in two of them yet.
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work.
The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a
broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."
"But I'm a Michigan graduate," the young man replied indignantly, "I
even played football there!"
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager.
"Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how."
Q: How do you get a Michigan cheerleader into your dorm room?
A: Grease her hips and push.
Q: Why is ice no longer available at Michigan football games?
A: The senior who knew the recipe graduated.
Q: What are the longest 3 years of a Michigan football player's life?
A: His freshman year.
This is part of a test that is given to all prospective michigan football players
This section should not take longer than 1 hour to complete
Find the word in the list by looking across,down,or diagonal and circle the word you find
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxcatxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Little Johnny was in his 4th grade class when the teacher asked the
children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical
answers came up - fireman, policeman, salesman, etc... Johnny was
being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about
his father.
"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his
clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really
good, he'll go out to the alley with some guy and make love with him
for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the
other children to work on some coloring, and took Little Johnny
aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"
"No," said Johnny, "He is an assistant coach for the Michigan
Wolverines, but I was too embarrassed to say so.
Typical Michigan Intelligence
Three men were due to be executed one day -- one University of Penn State
graduate, one Ohio State graduate and one University of Michigan graduate.
The Ohio State grad was the first to be brought in front of the firing
squad. Just when they were about to fire, he shouted, "Tornado!" The guards
all turned around, and he escaped by jumping over the wall.
Next in line was the Penn State grad, now confident that he too will be
able to escape. So, just when they were about to fire, he shouted, "Flood!"
The guards turned around and he too managed to escape.
Now it was the turn of the Michigan grad, wondering what disaster he could
use (now that tornado and flood had been used). Finally, just when the
guards were about to shoot, he shouted, "Fire!"
